September
10, 2006
It has been some
time since we last sat down and updated things.
I guess one of the first things that jump out at us is the fact people
still come here to read about Carissa, her struggle, our struggles, and how we
have coped with her passing. Since it has
been a little over three years since we have updated her page, perhaps a few
updates.
Carli
Carli is now 13
and in the 8th grade and is developing into a wonderful young
lady. She continues to be an excellent
student and loves to play on the school Volleyball team. She has found herself in demand as a
babysitter, which is fine by Linda and me as she can now help pay for some of
her clothes. She plans on: Graduating from
High School, getting a scholarship to
Michael
Michael is 11 and
in the 6th grade. As most
11-year-old boys, he loves sports: you name it, he’ll play it. He loves the fact that he is closing the gap
in height between him and his older sister and mother. Who knows, maybe he will give me a run for my
money (I’m 6’5”). He also loves video
games, once again, as most boys do. This
year he is fitting band in learning to play the trumpet. He also is a very good student and has
designs on playing in the NBA.
Carynne
Hard
to believe it but Carynne started Kindergarten this year. She
was really excited about it and very ready.
It’s really hard to imagine how we possibly could have made it through
these last few years without her. She
loves to cuddle and always can melt our hearts.
Carynne has turned into a pretty good little dancer; no bias here at
all.
Linda
Linda occupies her
time running all over the place getting involved with many different
things. Let me see if I can name all her
current projects… To start she helps a
young lady who was involved in a horrible auto accident a few years ago about
three times a week. She is heading up a
Book Fair at one of the schools in the district. She is designing custom labels for various
people. She is helping out with a
wedding in a few weeks. She is the
President of the Relief Society at our local church (the Relief Society is one
of the oldest and largest women’s organizations in the world). Runs kids everywhere.
Makes breakfast, lunch, and dinner and on and on and on.
Mike
Well, for me much
is the same. I still work with the
greatest people on earth at Graybar. I
still am in our purchasing department helping the company to grow. Outside of work and church, I try to sneak in
a movie at home with the family. I am
also still healing from back surgery back in July due to a degenerated disk.
That’s about it
for the immediate family.
One of the reasons
we thought it might be time to update things was based on some recent
events. A while back after my Father and
Mother retired, they decided to move from
One of the
foremost lessons I learned that will stay with me forever is the unselfish love
my father has for my mother. It was
amazing to see the dedication he had to his sweetheart. My father literally put his life on hold for
years to take care of my mother. What a
fantastic example for us to experience.
He drove her to dialysis appointments three times a week not to mention
the near daily trips to other doctors. I
saw him stand by her in her suffering and as she gradually became so weak she
needed help just to get around and perform the most basic of functions. By deed and action he truly showed charity to
her-the pure love of Christ. I am amazed
at the man he became. The lesson of loving
one’s family, unconditionally, has once again been taught to us all.
My mom was one of
the greatest people you would have the chance to know. If there is anything good, fun loving, or
respectful in me, I learned it from you mom.
Some
other thoughts.
You may wonder how
firm we stand in our beliefs regarding this big plan that our Heavenly Father
has prepared for us. We are comfortable
in saying that even three years later, we still have the same beliefs as right
after Carissa’s passing. If anything,
the testimony we have of our Heavenly Father’s love for us continues to
grow. With a resolute mind, we can
unconditionally say, we know we have an eternal family and we will all be
together again someday.
I can remember how
hard my mother took it when Carissa passed.
She mentioned many times that it should have been her not Carissa
because she was the old, sick one. We
then would remind her that it was all right and that God had not treated us
unfairly. As weird as it may seem, I
think I fear not having trials to pass through more than a constant smooth
sail. In this way we become stronger and
more resolute.
Many times over
the last three years it has been confirmed to us time and time again that our
Heavenly Father knows us. Not as one of a
numberless host of people, but us, Carynne, Michael, Carli, Linda, and Mike. We know through very sacred experiences that
we are here on earth to learn things and be tested. An ancient American prophet named
The best thing we
have found over the years is the still, calm feeling of peace that comes from
knowing that our Heavenly Father cares.
We do not see the trials we have faced as obstacles, rather opportunities
to learn and grow. We have never seen
ourselves as being “preachy” people. We
just try to about our lives doing what is right, trying to fix things when we
mess up, and hope to be able to live with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and
our families for eternity.
By the way, we
still long for the day when Carissa will run into our arms and say, “Welcome
home Mom and Dad!” We will just have the
chance to hug and kiss a few more people now.
August
14, 2003
It has been some time since we
added anything to the web page. It hasn't been that in any way that we
think any less of Carissa, that will never
happen. She has played such an important part in our lives,
she will always be near to us.
As I have read and re-read the
last entry that we made I have found myself thinking "How could I possibly
sum up my thoughts any better?". Some nine
months later and all of our feelings are just as strong as before. Our
faith continues to grow. Our love of family grows. And the longings
to be reunited with Carissa some day grow as well.
This month Carli starts Fifth
grade. It was two years ago that Carissa was losing weight and had leg
pains. You can better believe that we are a bit nervous with the idea of
Carli now reaching this age. In many ways the separation anxiety is
greater now than when the kids started school. It's almost like a
"Here we go again!" feeling.
Speaking of Carli, she is such a
fantastic big sister. I remember how frightened that she was at the
proposition of being the big sister. Carli and Carynne will always have a
very special bond I'm sure. Carli continues to grow and mature. It
is hard for me to see her getting dressed up to go places, IT'S HAPPENING TOO
FAST!! It is my deepest hope that we have taught her and Michael and
Carynne how to deal with this type of event in the correct way.
Michael recently finished up
playing baseball again this year. He is growing like a weed and continues
to make us proud. He will always be the tenderhearted one in the
family.
Carynne is learning a lot from
Carli, like talking non-stop! She is so much fun to be around and has
added so much to our lives.
Linda and I are just cruising
along. She is such a great lady and I love her so much.
I thought that I would put up some
more pictures of Carissa and the other kids, so have a look.
October
9, 2002
Once again it has been some time
since we have updated the web site. It is rather odd now being able to
look back one year ago and to relive different parts of this event in our
lives. One whole year, hard to believe! Looking back over the last
year there have been many things that we have learned. I think that we
have learned much regarding ourselves and how we are going to react to
things. We have learned how important family and friends are. I
think we have a newer insight to the type of love our Heavenly Father has for
us. The list actually goes on and on.
I am so very proud of our little
family. Linda is a remarkable person. For fifteen plus years I have
had the opportunity to proudly say that I am the luckiest person alive to have
convinced her to marry a guy like me. To be as upbeat and warm and
friendly and full of life as she is after all that she has gone through over the
last year...well it is amazing. She is truly a special person and I will
always be in awe and admiration of her. I love you Linda.
Carli has stepped up into the role
of big sister with flying colors. I will always remember her saying when
Carissa passed away "I can't do this, I don't know how to be the big
sister!". Carli was always the more...how
could I put it? Well out going one. Frankly, she's a nut!
There is many a time when she will do or say something that will just crack me
up. This has been good medicine for our souls. Carli, you have done
a great job of being the big sister and Michael and Carynne are lucky to have
you. Know that your Mother and I will always
love you.
Michael continues to grow into a
fine young man, It is hard to believe at times
that he is only seven years old. It is a wonderful opportunity to take
him with me to different places and see how he is developing. He has had
wonderful teachers at school and church that have been so
loving to him. It makes me so proud to see him on Sundays dress in
a white shirt and a tie as he gets ready to go to church. I realize that
I am perhaps a bit biased, but what a handsome kid!! Obviously he didn't
get it from his dad! Michael has such a tender spirit and has so much
love to give, he will be a fine man as he grows.
Michael always remember that Heavenly Father is always
just a prayer away and one day you will be with Carissa again.
Carynne, oh Carynne! At a
year and a half she melts my heart! She is so much fun now as she begins
to form words and sentences. She will look you right in the eye and then
babble something that to her is so serious. She is getting to the point
that she loves to be tickled, get piggy back rides and be chased. Once again very good medicine. Linda and I often
wonder if she is given the opportunity to be able to converse with
Carissa. The veil is so thin at this age. I guess we will have to
wait and see. If she does, I am glad and a bit jealous for her. If
not, she will one day too learn of the love that Carissa had/has for her.
I guess lastly, me. I'm
doing very good. While I do not struggle with
the questions of "Why Carissa?" or "Why me?",
I do miss my little girl around the house. I miss her, but know that she
is still close by and that we will be together again. I have learned a
greater love for different songs. In our church, there is a song that is
taught at a young age and sung often even by adults. It is called "I
am a Child of God". The words are
I guess this simple song sums it
up for me.
July
23, 2002
It has been a while since we
updated the web page; the longest period since Carissa became ill. The
last few months have been ones of continued up's and down's. Thank
goodness most have been up.
We all are still trying to learn
the different roles that Carissa's passing as forced us into. We often
find ourselves attempting to wear multiple hats and wonder if we are succeeding
at any of them. I often wonder if we are doing it "right".
If they way that we are acting as parents who have lost a child is correct; if
the way that we are working with our other children is appropriate. What
I have come to realize is that the is no one correct
or appropriate way of dealing with the issues that come up. The main anchor
that we are holding strong to is that fact that our family goes on and that
includes Carissa.
Since the last update that we made
to the web page, Linda and I had the opportunity to help lead tours at a open house for a rebuilt temple of ours in
Since that last update, we have
also made a trip to
I am truly grateful for the great
people at Graybar Electric where I work. One of the things that first
attracted me to Graybar was the good people that were there. Graybar has
taken us from
We will continue to grow as a family.
We will hold strong to our knowledge of our eternal family. We will on a
daily basis to grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who knows who we are and
wants the very best for us.
We, as always, love hearing from
you. Drop us a note to let us know how you are doing. Be strong and
hug your family members and tell them how much you love them for us.
May
1, 2002
Well the 29th went
well. We kept very busy and the day did
seem to go very fast. We started off as
planned but when we got to the school there was a little surprise. Carissa’s
class had presented us with beautiful poems some about Carissa and then letters
they wrote to us to help ease the pain of the day. They also presented us with a flowering Dogwood
tree they planted at the
Story
has it, that if you quietly whisper a wish, that no one can hear; then blow a
bubble. That bubble will carry your wish
way into the sky, keeping it a secret, until it is out of all ears reach. Finally, when it bursts it will let free your
wish only for the Angels to hear.
Each
wish will be heard by Carissa and she will know how much you still think of her
as I am sure she is thinking of you.
So anytime you
want to let her know you’re thinking of her.
Make a wish then blow a bubble and watch it go far into the sky.
It was
truly amazing to see everyone blow bubbles and say “hears a wish for you
Carissa,” The sky was filled with millions of
bubbles. For a few minutes that was all you could see.
After
singing “Happy Birthday” and saying our good- byes we went home to prepare for
the evening.
While we
were running about town, something very special was going on at Michael's
work. A large group of people that Michael works with also did a balloon
release once again proving the good family atmosphere in their
department. These are wonderful people and we will always be grateful for
the support that they have continued to show us.
Once we
can get our pictures developed from the day's events, you can look for a new
link to these pictures.
That
evening we had
several neighbors and friends and even several of Carissa’s friends come over
and we wrote message then tied them to the balloons then all at once let them
go. That will be a picture to remember
forever. Thank you to all who helped to
make this day so very special. I hope
you know how much it meant to us.
This day was spent remembering Carissa’s life not her death. We did not go to the Cemetery that day to
mourn, we spent it doing things that would make Carissa happy and I’m sure she
was. We felt her presence with us during
the day and I’m sure this is what she would of
wanted. There are plenty of times we
dwell on her death but the 29th of April was not going to be one of
them. She lived a wonderful life and
impacted many people and that was what we wanted to remember.
I know
with a surety that Carissa is o.k.. and
that she is very happy where she is and also that she is no longer in pain and
she is really loving whatever she is doing now.
Knowing this gives me much comfort and I can now feel at peace with
things.
Today is
my mothers birthday and it would be wrong if I didn’t
mention this. I’m doing o.k. and I know
that she too is just as happy and feeling no pain and still smooching with my
dad.
Happy Birthday mom and we love and miss
you!!
April
28, 2002
Well, here it is the day before
Carissa's would be eleventh birthday and emotions are running high. At
this point it will be hard to say how tomorrow will turn out. The part
that is a given is that there will be a lot of reflecting on Carissa and the
time that we spent together. So we will try to keep busy knowing that
there will be some smiles, some tears, and some laughs.
In the morning after Carli and
Michael are dropped off at school we are planning to go to Drs. Bergamini and Hansen's office and drop off some toys.
After treatment, kids can go to a closet and pick out any kind of toy they
want. In the one office visit that Carissa had there, she thought that it
was pretty neat and we thought that it would be only appropriate that we help
out restocking the closet.
In the afternoon we are going to
go by Carissa's school and pay a visit. We had to have a slight change in
plans there and will be having some cupcakes and having a special activity with
them.
Later in the evening we will be
doing the balloon release with family and any one else who would like to
attend. Hopefully all will go well.
About two weeks ago we received a
call telling us about an article is the
A place to rest and
remember: Carissa Polansky died of cancer Nov. 15, but her name will be etched
into people's memories.
A memorial bench at
Carissa used to play
with Rachel and Jasmine Mullen, as well as her other friends, at
the park.
The Mullen girls
transformed the idea of a memorial bench for Carissa into a reality. The girls
heard a group of adults discussing the idea of the bench, but the elders backed
off when they learned of the $650 price tag. The girls weren't daunted and took
up the cause themselves. They baby-sat, sold See's candy bars, pulled weeds and
earned money for their report cards until they had a total of $350. Their
parents and other friends of the Polansky family paid the balance.
The girls' six-month
campaign is more impressive if you consider that Carissa and her family moved
to St. Louis five years ago, making Jasmine only 3 and Rachel 6 when they played
with her.
Why did they do it?
"Because Carissa was my friend and was really fun to play with,"
Rachel said.
If
only adults could see things this simply. . . .
Needless to say, we were awe
struck. Rachel and Jasmine are children of friends of ours that we have
known since high school. Rachel and Jasmine, you may some day understand
how thoughtful and touching this is to us. Until that day, know that
Carissa loved playing with you just as much. Even though many miles have
separated us, the times that we visited were always special and will always be
a part of us.
This is all we will put in for
today. I would imagine that we will updating the
page soon so check back.
March
28,2002
Once again it has been a while
since we updated the page. This last month has been one in which we have
done a lot of thinking, a lot of smiling, and even a lot of crying. These
times can come and go with such frequency it is hard to imagine. The
different swings of emotion can even happen during the same conversation.
Linda and I have talk to some
length about what it is that we hope to accomplish by keeping the web site up;
I can honestly say that we are still not sure what it is. We are far from
having any real expertise in the area of web development, but we one thing that
we have figured out how to do is to be able to tell that there are people every
day that are still checking Carissa's site.
One of the things that we figure
that we would like to see happen is that people can understand, to some degree,
that we are holding strong to our beliefs. Even in the darkest of times
when all that we can do is to hold each other tight and cry, we know
that our Heavenly Father loves us. Of this we have never faltered.
The part that hurts so badly is the part that misses Carissa. I guess it
is similar to having a loved one go away for a while, you know you will see
them again, but it hurts all the time they are away. This was very true
today.
In my wallet I have a small zip
lock bag about two inches square. In it, it has three things. The
first is a round medallion that has a picture of an angel with the inscription
at the top of "I Have an Angel Watching Over
Me" and then "Carissa Nicole Polansky" on the bottom. The
second thing the bag has in it, is a gold ribbon for
recognition of childhood cancer. The last thing is a fortune cookie slip
that we got after a visit to the mall shortly after Carissa died. On it,
it says "Don't forget, you are always on our minds". This
little bag goes with me everywhere. As I paid for lunch today, I took it
out and held it tight. My heart ached. We miss her so
dearly.
One of the next things we want to
accomplish with this web site is to hopefully inspire people to some
degree. This might be a stretch. We would hope that people might
hug their kids a little longer. Play with them a little more. That they might have a little more patience with them.
That tickle fights, daddy jungle gyms, shopping, sharing bowls of cereal,
nightly kisses good night, might somehow find their way in to your life. That you might see your children as one of the most cherished
blessings that will ever come in to your life. Carissa was, is,
and will always be this way for us.
The difficult part here is that we
have no way of knowing that if what we have put on this web site is actually
accomplishing any of this. We so desperately hope so. Perhaps you
might drop us a not to let us know if we are succeeding at all.
The last thing that we would like
to see happen is in correlation with an event that will happen next
month. April 29th is Carissa's birthday. For those of you who have
known Carissa for a while or perhaps have come to know her through this web
site, we are asking for a favor. On her birthday we plan to release
balloons with notes to Carissa. We would like for you to join us in this
activity. Where ever you live, take a minute or two and jot down a few
thoughts for/to her, tie them to a helium balloon, and release them
outside. Carissa was always a balloon nut and we thought this would be a
neat idea.
As far as how Carli, Michael, and
Carynne are doing, like us the have their good days and they have their bad
days. Recently there was a book fair at their school. Each of the
kids were given some money to purchase some books of
their choosing. Michael took his money without either Linda or myself there, bought one small book that he wanted and then
used the rest and bought books he knew that Carissa liked. We could just
hold him tight and fight back the tears. We will continue to keep loving them day by day. We cannot thank the
teachers and staff of James Freer Elementary enough. You have all been so
wonderful!!
This will be it for now.
Please let us know if this web site is meaningful at all to you. It would
help a lot to decide where we go next with it. Once again, our email
address is mkpolansky@netzero.net.
February
23, 2002
Well, it's been almost a month
since we last added anything to the web page, so we figured it was about
time.
There has
been a few things that have happened since we last added anything too.
About the same day that we found out that Carissa had cancer,
we found out that Linda's Mom had cancer as well. So as we have been dealing
with Carissa's sickness, we also had to watch from a far as Lois had her battle
as well. Over the last few months Linda has made a few trips out to
On January 30, 2002 Lois Mitchell
joined Carissa as they both completed this segment of their
journey.
Preparations were made for a
funeral service and I, along with Carli and Michael, flew to
It seems a bit odd at times to
think that more than 25 years have passed and no one that has been a family
member has been on the brink of death, let alone actually die. The
feelings inside are difficult to understand. I wonder at times how I will
feel thirty or forty years down the road. Will the pain that I feel still
be as strong as it is now? Will I still be able to hold onto the
knowledge of our Heavenly Father's plan for us? I find myself conflicted
for wanting to have the pain go away, but to not forget Carissa. My, oh my is this hard!!
As bad as I feel, I can't
comprehend what Linda is going through right now. To
lose your daughter and then only a few months later to lose your mother?
I am so proud of her. She has proven to me time,
and time again the she is truly a special person who is cut from the cloth of
valiant individuals. I love her dearly!
Just to let you know, we added a
few more pictures of Carissa, so click over there for a few more memories that
we have captured.
Until we meet again, keep smiling and
be happy.
January 25, 2002
For those of you that have kept up
with this ongoing journal of the events of our lives for the last three and
half months will know that we have tried to open up our lives as much as
possible in hopes that it might help others in some small way. You would
also know that we have held back some of the most special things that have
happened to us that we hold very sacred. This is going to be an
exception.
Over the last few months since
Carissa rejoined our Heavenly Father, we have had, as well as others we know,
many things happen to confirm to us that Carissa is fine and still cares for
us, and others deeply. I must admit, there still are times that I miss
her so deeply that I cannot think of even going on. Cleaning around the
house, seeing things in the neighborhood that remind me of her, seeing
pictures, visits to the cemetery, are all things that
often send me into deep despair.
One thing which has truly been a
blessing is that it is rare that both Linda and I have bad times at the same
time. We have come to realize the deep bonds that we have for each other
have been raised to an even higher level. Linda has often given me the
advice when I am having a tough time that we need to remember that Heavenly Father
needs her now and that we need to grow from this experience. I love her
deeply for this.
Last night as I was sleeping I had
a very special dream that I would like to share with you. I dreamt that I
was walking through a park that I am not familiar with. As I was walking
Carissa approached me. She was wearing a sun dress that she often wore
during the summer. As you might imagine the joy that came over me is
indescribable. In all the months since Carissa became ill, I cannot
remember being so happy. In this dream I knew still that Carissa had died
and was with her Heavenly Father. I asked her what she doing and if she
was doing what she was supposed to be doing. (I guess the concerned,
stern father in me still continues toward her even now.) Carissa told me
that she couldn't do what she was supposed to be doing because "people
won't let me, they won't let me go".
As I have been pondering this and
applying this dream to my own self, I realize that I have been
needing her comfort to help me through rough times. When I have
wanted to just stop the world and get off. When I wish that I could go
back in time and help with her diagnosis. When, with all my heart, I wish
that this wouldn't have happened, that Carissa has been there for me. If
this in some small way applies to you, we have a request of you.
Please realize that this very much
applies to us also. As long as all of us continue to mourn Carissa's
loss, or for that matter, anyone who was close to us that has passed, we are
losing sight of our Heavenly Father's plan for us. There are many things
that Carissa needs to be doing now and we are monopolizing her time.
Carissa is one of the most special people I know and she has the ability to
perform a mighty work if we let her. As difficult as this is, and trust
me, even as I type this my eyes are filled with tears and my heart aches, we
need to let her go and do our Heavenly Father's work. It is time for us
to be happy for her and be proud that Heavenly Father selected her to help with
His work. In this way we can let Carissa do what her calling now is and
honor her.
We cannot tell you how much we
appreciate all that everyone has done for us. The cards and thoughts and
prayers have been wonderful. We still would love hearing from all of
you. Please be happy for Carissa and us and like us, look forward to the
day in which we will be reunited with her and throw our arms around her and
hold her tight. We love her and we love you.
We will still continue to update
this page from time to time so keep checking
back.
January
10, 2002
We are truly amazed that people
are still checking the sight and continuously asking us when we are going to
update again. Well for you, and for us here we
go.
The beginning of a new year is
supposed to signify change and a fresh new beginning. The only hard thing
is that this change and new beginning is not quite what we had hoped for.
One of the hardest things for us is to close last year and bring in the new year. The reason being is that even though last
year would be one you would expect us to want to forget. It is even
harder to want to continue every day with new dreams and memories with our
family without Carissa. Don't get us wrong. We love all our children and look forward to making more
memories each day with them. It's just knowing that
there will always be one missing in the picture. I'm sure that time will
heal this though.
As far as
eagerly wanting to end last year.
Well that's not so either. We grown, learned, laughed, and cried much
last year and treasure most of those experiences and will keep them close to
our hearts forever.
We closed off the year 2001 and
began the year 2002 in a townhouse we rented for
the week (thanks to a good friend of Michael's). We got away! For
the first time after the death of Carissa, we just got away!!! It was
good. We just played games and did puzzles and
spent lots of time with the kids. We talked and cried and just got
close. I was provided with some good reading material for the children on
how to deal with a siblings death and it really helped
me to know how and what they were feeling.
When we got home the kids were
ready to move into their new rooms and begin fresh. Our son is still
having trouble with sleeping alone at night but we soon found out that that was
an age appropriate response and we are dealing with it just fine.
Through one of the books we got
the idea to get helium balloons and write messages on them and let them go up
in the air to send messages to Carissa. I really like the idea and we
will be doing that soon. I think I might try to do this on a larger scale
on Carissa's birthday. We'll let you know.
We continue to have wonderful
experiences happen to us on a daily basis. I was having a very difficult
day not to long ago and feeling very jealous that my daughter had another dream
about Carissa and was able to visit with her. I knelt down and said my
prayers at night and this time told my Father in Heaven that "I wanted to
see Carissa. I wanted to know what she was doing!" Well
I'm not sure what happened but during the night when I was sleeping I woke up
smiling. I couldn't wait to get back to sleep. I just knew I was very
happy. I didn't know why but I was excited and happy. When I woke
up all I remember is being completely happy. I don't know if I saw her or
if I was just given peace but I do know that I was happy and content.
What a wonderful thing to know that my Father in Heaven knows me personally and
answers my prayers. More things continued to happen to me that day to
reinforce to me personally that death is a good thing and it's
o.k. and that families can be forever.
We as a family are trying to
figure out where to go from here. We want to use this experience in our
lives to wake us up and begin to help others more. We are trying to
decide how to best do this. It is our hope that who ever reads this might feel the same way. Somehow be a
little kinder or give a little more to those in need. We are wanting to volunteer more with organizations or
charities possibly with children.
As you can see right now, in my
opinion, we are doing fine. No guarantees for the future. But for
now we're o.k..
December
26, 2001
It's been a while since we added
anything to the web page. Here it is the day after Christmas and it's
hard to believe that it has come and gone. Much of the day was spent
doing a lot of the traditional things such as opening presents and eating
dinner, but this year we have added a new tradition to our family. We
drove over to the cemetery and brought some flowers and balloons to Carissa's
grave site. Fitting, but difficult.
Yesterday Carli and Michael began
moving down to rooms we had built in the basement. It was tough since Carli's room was going to be Carissa and Carli's "groovy" room. It's another tough
thing to deal with.
We are learning to live with a
number of different feelings, ones that we never thought that we would
feel. We would like to think of ourselves as being sensitive people, but
it is difficult at times to be driving down the road and feel a tear run down
your face. It is difficult to have this empty pit inside realizing that
there is nothing you can do to make it go away other than to drop to your knees
and to pray with all your heart that you can feel comfort. This is when
we grow stronger, realizing that we must depend on a person who is greater than
we are.
We miss having Carissa around the
house. We miss driving places with her. We miss the fun times like
"Daddy Jungle Gym". We miss the times brushing hair or tickle
fights or having dinner together or watching a movie or shopping and on and on
and on. There are times that we just have to hold each other tight and
squeeze until the pain stops enough to go on. This has become a practice
that we do ever night after we kneel as a family in prayer. Carynne, the
baby, gets in the middle and the rest of us wrap our arms around each other in
a circle and have a great big family hug. This is truly the meaning of life
as a family. As individuals we can become weak and may falter, but as a
family we are strong and cannot be broken.
Over the last three weeks Linda
has made a trip to visit with her mother in
While Linda was in
It's odd in many ways.
Having been raised with the knowledge that someday Christ will return and we
will be reunited with friends and loved ones has always been something that we
thought would be a wonderful thing. We find ourselves privately and
openly discussing this together as a father and mother, dreaming for the day
that with will happen. The thought of Carissa possibly being worthy enough
to help sound the horns that our elder brother is returning is a marvelous
thought. We can just imagine looking at her as she is doing this, and
then making eye contact with her. We can just see her get a bit
embarrassed and get a shy little smile. We can't wait for the day!!
The thing that we would have
people know is that we are still strong in our knowledge that we have an
eternal family. We have to fight off the feelings of selfishness from
time to time, but we know that Carissa is working hard for her Father in Heaven
and is making Him proud. We a thankful for the
challenges that we have been given and know that we will grow from them.
We know that our Heavenly Father loves us and we love Him. This isn't
something that is a terrible tragedy, but something that we and you
can learn from. It all depends on how you choose to look at things.
If you want to go through life being down and depressed or if you choose to
join us and hold our heads high, being proud to know that we are children of a
Father who knows us individually. Knowing that there is
nothing that in working together with Him that we cannot accomplish.
Knowing that our family will be together, forever someday if
we but hold strong and tight to the Iron Rod, the Word of God.
December
4, 2001
Frankly, we have had better
days. Today marks a couple of difficult milestones. The first is
that it is Carissa's baby sister Carynne's
birthday. Carissa was a model big sister. She would always be
willing to lend a hand at what ever it took to help out. Between the
taking time out to sit with her and feed Carynne a bottle to playing
peek-a-boo, she was the best.
Tonight is going to be tough as
well. In the
Emotionally we are doing our
best. We try our best to put on a cheery disposition, but any time you
look around the house or see another child Carissa's age or even driving by her
school, it's almost too much. In doing cleaning around
the house, finding things that were Carissa's or seeing old pictures, tears
your heart to pieces. We find ourselves just wanting to have
another hug and not let go. It's times like these that the pain is
overbearing. The tears well up and begin to spill. The lump in your
throat prevents you from swallowing and you wish that you could climb under a
rock and cease to exist. It's times like this that we have to take a deep
breath and refocus.
These are the times also when we
start to feel the peace and the comfort that our Heavenly Father has promised
us, if we would but ask. We have tried to be as open as possible with
this web page, in hopes that perhaps people could understand, in some small
way, what we are feeling. There have been however, some very deep and
personal experiences that we have had as a family that have brought a sense of
calm to us. These experiences are too personal to share, but have given
us an even stronger belief that our Heavenly Father knows our family and loves
us in ways that we are only now beginning to understand. This is when the
cycle starts over.
We will make it through this
experience, as a family and friends, to become even stronger and more valiant
than before.
November
29, 2001
It's been 14 days since Carissa
passed away and 8 days since she was buried. I've tried to do everything
else but sit and write my see you later's
or express my emotions. Monday was just as horrible as I thought it would
be. The kids went to school and Michael went to work and all around me
was the constant reminder of Carissa. I had the worst headache of my life
and cried all day long. It wasn't until the evening that I finally began
to get a hold of myself.
I know in my heart that we did the
best we could have done for her and the doctors did their best. I also
know after we did our best, we left the rest up to the Lord. With all the
prayers throughout the country that were given in Carissa's behalf, it truly
was the Lord's will to have her leave her earth life and help Him on the other
side. That gives me much comfort in knowing this. With all the love
a mother could give, and with all the love a father could give, and with all
the love her sisters and brother and grandparents and cousins and aunts and
uncles and friends could give, could not keep her here. His love must be
so much more for her right now.
I know my Father in Heaven loves
me and this was not an act in any way of anger on His part. He loves us
and is anxious for us to return to Him and we were sent here to be tested and
will not have to stay here on earth any longer than it takes for us to
accomplish our personal test ,whatever it may be. We
will get through this because of all of you and your prayers. We can't
thank you enough for your love and support you have shared. Thank you.
We are still trying to figure out
how to best help our other children in dealing with this loss. At times
they are really struggling. I'm sure that is to be expected, but like any
parent, you just hate to see a child suffer. Please continue to pray for
them, this holiday season will be rough.
November
22, 2001
Thanksgiving
Day. It has been
a rather different Thanksgiving to be sure. Yesterday was Carissa's
Funeral Service. It's a day that we hope that we both want to forget and
remember always. The service was everything we wished for. Expressions of our faith, fond memories of Carissa, and beautiful
music. Thanks to all that participated. It was a lovely day.
Also we would like to thank all
those who came to both the visitation and the funeral. We were surprised
by the number of plants and flowers that came. Words will never be able
to express how grateful we are.
Tonight many of our out of town
family members are preparing to leave to return home. There is a strange
sense of irony in this. It has been rather odd being surrounded by family
members which usually means parties, holidays, and
happy occasions, but this was different. We have had many good times over
the years, but this was a time to pull together and hold each other
tight.
We would be ingrates if we did not
also thank all of our neighbors and other members of our church. With
this being normally a busy holiday, so many friends brought by items to allow
us to have all the normal trimmings for the holiday.
On this day in which it is common
to express thoughts of thanks, one may think that we may be struggling with
this, well it is tough. We miss our little girl so fierce it is hard to
explain. There are times when it is so hard you have to remind yourself
to breathe. I think our daughter Carli put it best when she was having a
hard time and told us: "It's easier to think that Carissa is just camping
with her friends".
We are thankful for the
opportunity we have had to have Carissa in our home for ten years. We are
thankful that her faith is one that is so centered that she will be will be
eternally happy. We have a long way to go, but we hope our foundation is
true.
November
21, 2001
This is a bit uncommon in that the
clock just hit 6:30 am, I couldn't sleep. Usually we would update this
page in the evening. Today we will be burying our sweet girl and my heart
aches. It's so hard. Because of Carissa, throughout her life, we
always felt a little better.
Every night coming home from work
all the kids would come running out the door with big smiles yelling
"Daddy!" Carissa would bring Carynne out with her in her
arms. As a dad, I never tired of this, nor will I ever. One of my
life's desires will now be when I pass, that Carissa will once again come
running up to me, throw her arms around me, and tell me: "Welcome home
Daddy".
Last night was a wonderful
thing. We can't thank you enough for taking time out of your lives to
come by and visit with us; we truly gather strength from your love of
Carissa. As if we could not be more proud of her, many of you said so
many nice things about her it made our hearts swell full of pride.
To the medical staff from Cardinal
Glennon and St John who so loving took Carissa in
their lives and made us feel that even with all the machines and tubes and
bells and whistles going on around, that she was still our little girl, we say
thank you from the bottom of our heart. The verse "In as much as ye
have done it unto one of the least of these your brethren, ye have done it unto
me". You will, for your acts, be deeply rewarded for this. You
have shown the patience of Job in answering all of our constant
questions. You have made us laugh when we were afraid, held us tight when
we have been grieving and shared a tear with us. Never let anyone, regardless
of what the profession says, tell you to remove yourself from your patient;
this is what makes you human and why we love you all so much.
We would hope that through all
this that perhaps Carissa has inspired you in some way also. Maybe it
will be a little second, or third, or fourth effort, when faced with a daunting
task. Perhaps when things aren't going so well for you,
that you will remember to smile. It could be to always have a
little sparkle in your eye, that is so discrete, but
is there to ignite the soul of one who is down. In this way we honor her.
November
19, 2001
It's been four days since Carissa
passed. We apologize for not updating the page with a better degree of
regularity; under the circumstances, we hope that everyone will
understand. The last few days have really been a blur. They have
been filled with a number of highs and lows and mostly numbness. It's
really hard to describe how we feel since we have felt such a range of
emotions. I think that both Linda and I feel the most difficult times are
when you are by yourself with time to think. Looking around the house you
find yourself reflecting on the times that you had, the things that you did and
the love that was shared. During these times it's almost more than you
can bare. It's during these times when Carissa's
spirit fills your heart and whispers to your soul that it will be
alright. We are comforted in knowing that our Heavenly Father loves us
and that he understands the pain we feel and is there with outstretched arms as
any loving father would be. This brings a calming sense of relief that
will bring a small smile to your face as you visualize Carissa there with a
smile on her face.
Over the last few days family
members have been coming in from out of town. Tomorrow more will be coming
to town. Through the madness of a house full of kids running around and
family members telling stories to get up to date on the latest, there is once
again a sense of love that is so welcome and needed. It's time like this
that family strength is so nice.
Carissa has a cousin that is only
about a month younger than her. Meagan and Carissa were always good
friends and it was difficult seeing her the first time. She probably
thought that we were nuts when we hugged her because we didn't want to let go.
TOO MANY MEMORIES!!
We really appreciate all that has
been done for us. Heavenly Father will truly bless everyone for these
acts of kindness. These acts have been in form of nice meals and notes
and emails from many people. In particular, we would like to make mention
of a family that has literally put their lives on hold for us.
Back on October 6th, when this
whole experience kicked off, Linda's sister Nancy Klippel
flew out to
Over the last month and a half the
Klippels have been there on a daily basis for
us.
It has been amazing the influence
that our little girl has had. As a father, I could not be more proud of
her. This in some way, as naive as it may be, helps me understand, in
some small way, how our Heavenly Father must feel towards her. I can only
imagine that as she is there in His presence, with a smile of pride on His
face, Carissa there as well. a bit embarrassed with
all the attention, but knowing deep down inside that she has done well too.
The next two days will be
difficult, but we look forward to seeing everyone; sharing a tear or two, but
mostly sharing a fond memory and a smile.
November
15, 2001
Today was a difficult day for us
in preparing for the day's events. We informed Carli and Michael, two of
Carissa's siblings, that Carissa would not be coming home most likely.
They took the news as well as could be expected for any 8 and 6 year old.
Carli and Michael spent the day with their Grandma and Grandpa and then went to
spend the night with friends.
At about 6:00 this evening,
Carissa's blood pressure medicine was turned off and a few minutes later, her
dialyses machine as well. Over the next few hours, her ventilator was
turned down also. At about 9:45 pm, we said our "we'll see you laters" to Carissa as she left this world to rejoin
her Heavenly Father.
There is a sense of peace that has
come over us as we do not have to see Carissa fight each day. She will no
longer have to have leg pains or shoulder pains or breathing problems.
She will be at peace as she moves on to her next stage in her life. We
will miss her, but know that our Heavenly Father needs her now and that we will
be reunited with her someday.
We have said that we really would
like to have everyone see this as a great accomplishment for Carissa. She
was/is a very happy and charming girl that would not like to see people grieve
over her, but remember all the good times. So even though it hurts terribly,
smile for Carissa as a favor for us.
We have not yet planned a funeral
service for her, but please check back.
We would like to say a special
thank you to the many people who have taken care of Carissa over the past month
and a half. You have truly become a special part of our lives and we will
remember your acts of love and kindness that you gave both us and Carissa and
will remember you always.
We would like to put together a
collection of thoughts and stories that any of you may have about Carissa for
her service. Please take the time to send these to us.
Lastly, thank you for allowing us
to share this experience with you. It has been a great release to be able
to open up to you. We love you all and pray that our Heavenly Father will
bless you as much as we have been blessed.
November
14, 2001
Today we had a meeting with
Carissa's doctor. We would love to say that it was to discuss about how
much better that she is getting, but this is not the case. Carissa's
liver is getting worse and it looks as though her kidneys have completely
failed at this point. It was/is time to discuss how much longer and what
measures we want to take, to prolong Carissa's life. After meeting with
Carissa's doctor, we both knelt down and offered a prayer to our Heavenly
Father putting this decision into His hands. If it is meant to be that
she is to recover, tonight will be the night in which that will happen.
If she, on the other hand, has filled her earthly mission and it is time that
she go home, she will remain the same. There are
no words to describe the range of emotions that we are feeling right now.
We can tell that Carissa is very
close to her Heavenly Father and those who have left this earth before
her. Several times during the day today we have noticed her outstretched
arms in a hugging position. We also noticed her waving a lot. We
even saw her smiling. We are comforted to know she will be well received.
Tomorrow, we are going to spend
some time together as a husband and wife, a father and mother in our
temple. In 1987 we were married in our temple in
If it is time for Carissa to go
home, most likely what will happen is that her dialysis machine will be turned off. This will cause lethal doses of minerals to build
up in her blood that within a day or two that will cause her heart to
fail. Another option is that the doctors may not respond to her needs for
blood pressure medicine. When her blood pressure drops they will not
assist it to go back up. We are told that these would be the least
painful ways for Carissa. This is our prayer that she not suffer and would ask that this be your prayer as well.
Based upon the events of the next
few days, it is possible that we may not be able to update this web page everyday.
However, we will do our best to keep everyone informed as soon as we can. We
want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for allowing us to be able to
share with you the events of the last month and a half. We feel in many
ways that we have drawn strength from doing this. We thank you for the
many emails, phone calls, letters, cards, and mostly importantly, prayers they
have been a great strength to us during this time in our lives.
Lastly, if Carissa is to go home
now, we would ask that you not see this as a great tragedy, but a great
triumph. In ten short years she has touched our hearts and the hearts of
many others. She has always made us proud and can only hope that our
Elder Brother, Jesus Christ will meet her shortly and tell her "Well done,
thou good and faithful servant, well done".
November
13, 2001
Today was a difficult day as a
parent to go through. Carissa again was very agitated and could not
rest. Just as soon as it would look as though she was going to fall
asleep, WHAM! Her eyes would fly open in such a panicked look. It's
almost more than you can handle. We are truly learning patience and long
suffering throughout this whole experience.
The part that hurts us most, is the concern we have for Carissa and that she not suffer.
In speaking with a dear friend of ours over the weekend, he put it in very good
perspective. He said: "Now is the time when all the beliefs that we
have been taught (concerning a loving Heavenly Father and his plan for us)
since we were children are being tested. Are we really going to believe
it and really know it, or are we going to turn away". We can
honestly tell you that we are holding tight knowing that our Heavenly Father
loves Carissa more than we can understand. We are equally proud of
Carissa as her parents for the lessons that she is teaching us about never
giving up. She has taught us that no matter how tough of a challenge that we
may be faced with, that holding strong and firm, is always
possible. It's hard to tell you how much we love her and admire
her.
One of the unexpected things that has been going on is that Carissa's blood pressure situation
continues improve. By nightfall, her blood pressure medication was
lowered again; this even with increases in sedation medication. Try to
explain that one.
Thanks to all that continue to
offer words of encouragement and support, and most importantly, prayers for
Carissa.
November
12, 2001
Down again on the blood pressure
medicine, this is good news. Although, with the good, as we have learned,
comes the not so good. After a few days of being real restful, Carissa
was active again. She moves her arms and legs around like she is trying
to get comfortable, but just can't seem to find the right position. As a
parent it's a terrible thing to have your child suddenly have their eyes open
as wide as can be and have this terrified look, glancing around the room
looking for this unseen since of relief. The only real thing that can be
done is to give more sedatives, which of course effect
negatively her blood pressure. Here we go again??
Nothing really
else to report on today.
November
11, 2001
Carissa had another good day in
being weaned off of the blood pressure medicine. This is really important
because the blood pressure medicine makes it more difficult for her kidneys to
work. She had a calm, restful day. Her pupils were reacting back
like they were supposed to as well.
All in all, with the exception of
the urine, Carissa had a very good weekend. It would be nice to report that
her kidneys are doing something, maybe this will be
the miracle week we so desperately need and want. Down, if not off, of
the blood pressure medicine, lots of peeing going on, liver shrinking, and the
ability to be able to restart the chemotherapy drugs. Boy would that be a
nice thing to be able to tell you one week from today.
November
10, 2001
Carissa had a good day today, one
of the better ones in days past. After a short bout with her blood
pressure dipping in the early morning, Carissa was able to have her blood
pressure medicine trimmed even more because the pressure stayed up nice and
high. This is a good thing since this medicine, while working, would make
it more difficult for her kidneys to work.
Sad to say, but here was no change
on the urine scene. This still is the big issue.
November
9, 2001
Well, we had a little excitement
today. The doctors were concerned that Carissa was not being responsive
to them asking her things and that she hasn't been as active. This along
with pupils that we not the same size, got her a trip
down stairs to have a ct scan to have a look at her head.
The good news was that there was
no news. Her head, aside from her brain shrinking a little (this is
normal since she hasn't been using it a lot), was clear. Since they had
her down there, they took a look at her from head to femur.
Even though the x-rays showed that
her left lung was clear, the ct scan showed
otherwise. Oh joy.
Carissa's blood pressure was
really good today and they turned down some of her blood pressure
medicine. They also turned down some of one of the sedatives, and shut
off another.
Still the most critical thing, her
kidneys, showed no sign of improvement. SHE HAS GOT TO PEE!!
November
8, 2001
Not much happened today.
Carissa was still heavily medicated from yesterday. She slept well
through the night and all day today. Her bilerubin came back lower today then on the 5th
when it was last tested (it was at 31 on the 5th and today it was at
23). These numbers are the conjugated numbers. (whatever
that means). We still have a long way to go but she is fighting.
Everyday Carissa holds out it shows us she is a fighter.
Carissa's kidneys still haven't
started to produce urine.
However, Carissa's blood pressure
stayed good all day which is a good thing because each time her blood pressure
goes down her kidneys take a hit. Keep praying for Carissa and we're
certain the Lord's will be done.
November
7, 2001
Today was a busy day again for
Carissa. The doctors decided to completely change her dialysis
catheter and all the lines connecting to it,
which would take her off dialysis for 3 1/2 to 4 hours. This was a very
stressful time. They started out by clamping off the old catheter and
putting an antibiotic in the line and letting it sit for an hour to try and
kill off the staff infection that is growing in the catheter. Then they
changed the lines and all seemed to go well. They put more antibiotics in
the lines and waited another hour then hooked up the dialysis machine again.
However,
her blood pressure was not stable during this. Off and on during
the day the blood pressure kept dropping dramatically. This was a great
cause for concern.
The doctors did take out her chest
tube which was serving no real purpose and was just a sight for infection.
Carissa's temperature got up to
101.5. We're not sure if its just because the room was extremely hot. The doctors changes
the temperature in her room. We'll have to see if it continues to stay up
there.
Her liver is beginning to shrink
which you would think was a good thing but the doctors seem
to be unsure about that. We'll know more after some tests tomorrow.
November
6, 2001
Today we received the results from
the ultrasound of Carissa's kidneys. Mixed bag here as
usual. On the good side, the kidneys are still swollen which means
they have hope of recovery. The bad side of the kidney front is if she
doesn't start peeing soon, her kidneys will fail which makes her survival
prognosis very bleak. Seems a little strange, but right now the
most important thing in her life would to pee. You spend years telling
kids to hold it and wait, and here we are saying to let it flow! Good
grief!!
On the good side, her white blood
cell count is back to a normal count and the it looks
her platelets that she has been getting are staying around.
November
5, 2001
Today was kind of a mixed bag. On the good news side of things, an ultrasound
was done on Carissa's kidneys to see if they could find anything that would lead
them to know why she has not been producing any urine. They did find while they
were looking around that she did have some urine in her bladder. Good news! We
probably won't hear until tomorrow if they have found anything about the
conditions of her kidneys.
They also were a little surprised that it her morning blood tests that she
retained some of the platelets that she had been given the night before. Also good news.
They continue to pull fluids out of her stomach. This has been the source of
how they have been able to determine that she has internal bleeding. We were
encouraged in the afternoon because it looked as though it might have stopped,
but after giving her some medication through the same tube,
waiting an hour or so, and then turning on the suction again, the dam
broke loose and she started to fill up the container again.
The name of the game is still that she has got to produce more urine, increase
her white blood cell count, fight off infections she has, have her liver get
healthy, and get the ventilator settings way down. No big deal, right? RIGHT!!
Please help us remain positive and continue to pray for her. We honestly know
that this will help.
November
4, 2001
Carissa lost a lot of blood today
and the doctors are not quite sure why or where it was coming from.
Carissa rested quite a bit
today. She was a little restless in the morning so the doctors had to go
up on the ventilator settings a little bit. They also had to go up on her blood pressure medicine and she got a new pain medicine.
Carissa started getting a rash yesterday but today it is all over her body. The
doctors don't seem to be too concerned over the rash. It could either be
from her white cells coming back or an allergic reaction from one of her
medicines, so they will continue to watch her well.
Carissa seemed to be resting a lot
better during the afternoon and evening.
November
3, 2001
More doses of reality. We
met with one of Carissa's Doctor's from
If there was ever a time
for a miracle, the time is now.
November
2, 2001
Well today we received a slap back
to reality. We entered what we refer to as the "the bad news
room" where the doctor reminded us of the seriousness of her
condition. He explained, that he was genuinely concerned about Carissa's
kidneys, liver, and her ventilator settings.
They are not really improving. They need to start improving soon. Carissa
is also having some internal bleeding that seems to be under a certain amount
of control but if increases can lead to serious problems.
The good news is Carissa's white
blood cells are up from yesterday with even more infection fighting
cells. We just need them to start fighting for her kidneys and liver.
May God bless you who have blessed
us so much during these times.
November
1, 2001
Wow! Here we are in November
already! Where did October go? All in all today was rather
neutral. There were things that she dipped on and then recovered and
things that she got better on and then went a little back.
The medicine to help her blood
pressure ended the day better than it ended yesterday with her requiring
less. So that was good.
Carissa had a few bouts with a
bloody nose, but nothing major.
The line that she pulled out
earlier in the week was put back in. It is really a superior way to
monitor things, but it meant another poke with a needle.
October
31, 2001
Happy Halloween!
Today started out good
again. The doctors found more white cells on their blood smear again
today. We also found out that her tumors are going down. When we
began this whole ordeal, Carissa had 80% of her right lung occupied; there is
now about 40%. Where she had 20% of her left lung occupied it's showing
all gone. We take that as great news.
Her heart rate is finally getting
to be around normal as well. It's been elevated since see was checked
in. Overnight they were also able to cut one of her blood pressure drugs
in about half the rate it was yesterday.
The doctors are hopeful and are wanting to get Carissa off the ventilator soon.
They will be playing with the numbers either today or tomorrow. We hope
all goes well.
Carissa is still loosing a good
amount of blood through her nose and mouth and is receiving platelets on a
regular basis.
October
30, 2001
Carissa had an eventful day full
of excitement, exercise, and some good news.
During the early morning hours
while she was being moved around, she got a hold of her
I.V. line in her wrist and pulled it out. The main use of this line was
to monitor her internal blood pressure and draw blood samples from. The
doctors decided not to put it back in and to use the "cuff" around
her arm. That should make her real happy. Her platelet level got
low again and began to bleed a little again from her mouth.
Carissa was active again and kept
everyone hopping.
The good news came in the form of
her blood results. Infection fighting, white blood cells were found in
her blood today. We learned today that we want to have a slow build up of
the white blood cells because if they build up too fast it is a sign that there
might be another infection or worse. Can you believe it! Even with
good news, there's a dark lining!
October
29, 2001
Carissa is in loose restraints
because she keeps getting agitated and trying to pull out her dialysis lines.
The doctors came in and said
Carissa has one white blood cell. The type she has is not the type that
fights off infection but you can't imagine how that was music to our
ears. This seems to be some of the best news we've heard is 3
weeks.
Carissa seems to be doing
o.k. she still is very yellow from jaundice.
October
28, 2001
The kids visited Carissa
again. That went well. They really miss having Carissa around.
The doctors lowered her blood
pressure medicine again. She seems to be doing pretty well.
October
27, 2001
Carissa seems to be resting
more. The doctors increased the fluids to be taken out on the dialysis
machine.
Carissa is starting to loose a lot
more hair or at least it's more noticeable because the night nurse brushed it
and more came out. We are actually surprised it has stayed in as long as
it has.
Carissa is now having problems
with her liver working and still continuing to have problems with her
kidneys. She is extremely jaundice and her urine
output is still next to none.
Carissa has now tested positive
for an infection but there is nothing more for them to do. She has been
on antibiotics for some time now and will continue them for a while
longer. Most of these problems are expected to go away once she gets some
white blood cells without any complications (we hope).
October
26, 2001
Carissa rested pretty well today.
Not much happened today.
October
25, 2001
Carissa has now been in the
hospital for 3 weeks. She continued to get agitated. Who can blame
her though. Three weeks in bed of only being
able to be on either side or your back.
The doctors went up on one of her
blood pressure medicines (norepi).
What a mess! For more than a
week we couldn't wait for her to move and now it would be nice for her to just
lay still and sleep.
October
24, 2001
Carissa had a good night.
She was taken off one of her blood pressure medicines (she was on three).
We have to be grateful for each little baby step.
Carissa seems to be a little
agitated and doesn't seem as though she can get comfortable.
October
23, 2001
Carissa's temperature has been
down today. The nurses put on a special blanket called the Bair
Hugger. This blanket blows warm air onto her body. She seemed to
respond well to this type of blanket.
She is still receiving more
medicine to help control her blood pressure.
Carissa's doctor is still telling
us to expect a lot of the same. Until such time that Carissa gets back
her white blood cells she really wont get any
better. That should happen in a couple of weeks. Other than that we just
sit and wait and watch for an infection.
October
22, 2001
Carissa's blood pressure has been
dropping again.
She met with the Physical
Therapist today. She gave her some special boots to help keep her legs
stretched out. She is to wear these a couple of
hours a day.
The doctors continue to give
Carissa more pain medicine when she begins to show signs of being in pain.
October
21, 2001
Carissa has now been put on some
blood pressure medicine to raise it. She seems to be responding to it
well.
Carissa's urine output has
basically stopped.
Carissa has had an ultrasound of
her heart and her kidneys to check their status. Both look good!
The kidneys are not showing any difference from when she was admitted to
Cardinal Glennon.
October
20, 2001
Carissa's blood pressure dropped
suddenly today. This made us very nervous. The doctors were trying
to be a little more aggressive than it would appear that Carissa would have
liked and she reacted. What a Roller coaster ride of emotions!
The doctors still believe Carissa
has an infection. However, the tests are still coming back negative for
one. She has been on antibiotics for an infection for some time
now.
October
19, 2001
The doctors lowered the ventilator
settings again.
The doctors are going to slow down
the dialysis today because the probably pulled off too much liquids yesterday.
Carissa's color looks better today
so hopefully her infection is going away.
Carissa's brother and sister came
to visit today. This was the first time that they have visited her since
being admitted. They seemed to handle it pretty well even though they
were visibly nervous.
October
18, 2001
The doctors seem to be happy with
the results so far. They are beginning to lower some of her ventilator
settings.
The doctors had to give her some
heparin today to help slow her clotting time for the dialysis machine.
October
17, 2001
Carissa received her first
injection of vencristine,
another type of chemo. She will receive this medicine weekly for
awhile.
Carissa was visited by the St.
Louis Rams kicker Jeff Wilkins. It was Michael's dumb luck because this
is the first day that he has returned to work and missed the visit. He
comes in to the PICU frequently at Cardinal Glennon
to visit the children.
October
16, 2001
Carissa is now starting to receive
platelets. She is low and has gotten a pretty bad nose bleed that has
taken longer than 20 minutes to even stop bleeding.
The doctors are switching Carissa
over to a different type of dialysis machine today. The new type (the Prisma) will be much slower and continue to run 24 hours a
day for several days at a time.
Carissa is still somewhat aware
and responds to small commands. She would continue to go in and out more often.
October
15, 2001
The doctors continued dialysis
today. This went on for 6 hours today because it wasn't going as well as
planned. The process of dialysis can not only clean your blood, but also
take off excess body fluids as well. Carissa put on about twenty extra
pounds in fluid as they were trying to get her kidneys to put out not only more
urine, but have waste products in it as well. As one doctor put it
"She's watering the lawn, but not fertilizing it".
We found out that there was more tumor in her upper thigh which would explain a lot.
The type of tumor she has did not begin in her lung, but until now we did not
know where it originated. We still are only guessing at this time
since they still have not had the opportunity to do a full body x-ray.
This would be consistent to the type of cancer she has.
Carissa finally began to come to a
little bit since they stopped the paralysis medicine. She was able to
respond to simple commands and questions by nodding her head, moving her
shoulders and squeezing our hands. What a joy that was! They gave
her more medicine to sleep and relax once they knew she could come to.
Carissa is doing as well as can be
expected.
The doctors gave her a new air
mattress to help avoid bed sores. This mattress is great.
October
14, 2001
Carissa's phosphorus levels
continued to rise. So both the Intensivist (Dr
Sample) and her Oncologist (Dr. Bergamini) decided it
would be best to transport her to Cardinal Glennon
Children's Hospital by medivac. It was a scary
thing to move her, but right now she needs the treatment that she can get at
Cardinal Glennon.
It appeared that Carissa was
getting an infection from her I.V. line in her arm. It was getting pretty
red. Nothing is showing up in her blood, but all signs point to an
infection.
The transport went well, but the
infection is spreading all over her body.
They began dialysis. Another machine that she has to be hooked up to and more lines
being run in to her body. The dialysis was to last around 2 and
1/2 hours and be repeated for another couple of days. Her blood was cleaned
up pretty quick.
October
13, 2001
The doctors took Carissa off the
medicine that made her chemically paralyzed. There concern was if she
could come out of the paralysis (coma).
The doctors are still very
concerned about her kidney's because of the rapid
amount of tumor break down. There are different chemicals and minerals
found in your blood that are getting too high. The biggest problem is her
phosphorus levels.
October
12, 2001
Carissa is running a very low
temperature 92.4*. The doctors have spent all day trying to raise
her temperature. They did this by heating the blood that they transfused
and piling on the blankets.
Carissa is beginning to show signs
of tumor breaking up. As a result, her blood pressure also has dropped
during the night.
October
11, 2001
We were shown her x-rays from
today. However, it was explained to us that they are in a sense time
delayed. The picture that we see is not quite what her lungs really look
like. They will have improved even more then are actually being
seen. They still look very much occupied by the tumor, but are beginning
to show some small improvement.
October
10, 2001
Carissa received chemotherapy
today, her last treatment for a while. This makes two rounds of radiation
and three rounds of chemo in just four days.
October
9, 2001
Carissa didn't receive any
chemotherapy today because her kidneys were having a difficult time keeping up
with all the things going on inside her.
They just tried to leave her alone
as much as possible, no x-rays or anything. She seems to be responding
well to being left alone.
October
8, 2001
We had a real scary night.
Carissa's oxygen saturation got worse and worse. A new, different type of
ventilator was brought in to help her. This seemed to help.
Carissa received her second
treatment of radiation and chemotherapy today.
Many friends came by to offer
support and concern.
Mike and Linda have been spending
all their time at the hospital reading books and talking to the doctors, nurses
and to Carissa. There is a shower off of the waiting room which is very
nice and refreshing.
October
7, 2001
The night was spent in a waiting
room at
October
6, 2001
Carissa was admitted in to the
Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) where she remained until she was taken to
have a CT Scan done. After the scan was done, we
were told information that has changed our lives forever. The scan showed
that she had tumors on her lungs. Her right lung was occupied about 80%
and her left about 20%. This is why she was breathing with such
difficulty. A biopsy would have to be done to determine if it was
malignant and if it was, what type of cancer that it was.
The doctors attempted to do a
biopsy in which they inserted a syringe into her
chest to take portions of the tumor out and examine them. After doing
only a few extractions, Carissa began to bleed to a point that the doctors felt
it was best to stop. A surgical biopsy would have to be done.
Saturday afternoon Carissa was
taken to have an incision made in her chest and a portion of the tumor
removed. Mike and Linda were told that the dangers of this could be high
since tumors can begin to bleed uncontrollably.
This is the last time that Carissa
would be fully awake for a while. So a scared little ten year old was
wheeled in to surgery.
The word came that the surgery
went fine and that even though it would take a few days to find out for sure,
that it looked as though the tumors were malignant. It was felt that the
tumors were a type of cancer called
Carissa was sedated after the
surgery and put on a ventilator to help her breathe.
Carissa was moved back to her room
and phone calls were made to friends and family. By the end of the
evening, all of Linda's sisters had made it out to offer support.
October
5, 2001
Upon Mike coming home from work,
he found Carissa taking a nap. When she awoke, she complained of a back
ache and that her chest hurt. Carissa soaked in the tub for a while but
it didn't help any. As the night went on, she began to develop a dry
cough. Carissa began to become increasingly tense and could not
relax. She began to breathe very rapid and very shallow. Finally
about 11:30p.m., Mike put Carissa in the minivan to see if a drive would calm
her down, while heading to St Anthony's Hospital. Thank goodness she
never did. She was put in a room and put on oxygen to help her breathe
easier. A chest x-ray was done also. The doctor said that he wasn't
exactly sure what he was seeing on the x-ray because her ribs were clouded out.
Their recommendation was to
transfer her to
October
2000 to October 5, 2001
Over this last year, we saw Carissa
show signs of what would turn her life upside down. During this last year
Carissa had reoccurring problems with a pain in her upper thigh. The best
we could think of, was that it was in her muscles
since she was playing volleyball regularly. We made trips to the doctor,
but nothing was found. During this year we also saw Carissa lose her
appetite and lose about 12 pounds in a nine month period. Carissa also
began to complain of breathing difficulties and had shortness of breath.
We pulled her from P.E. until further advice from her primary care physician
and were seeking her council regularly and the advice of a Pediatric
Hematologist. However, we were all still very much puzzled as to her
problems.